Hold On To This
by iJuliaGulia
Summary: After Carly leaves with her dad, Sam begins to fall out and Freddie attempts to help her out. Spencer is forced to grow up as Gibby stands on the side lines. M for language, drug abuse, and mention of suicide.
1. After Math

********_A/N: My one and only disclaimer; I do NOT own any of the characters in the story expect (Jake, Dean, Audrey, and Ray [all of which you'll meet later]). Thank the lord for Dan and his beautiful mind to give us such great characters to work with. Enjoy the story. :D_

**Chapter 1: After Math**

I had never seen her look so broken before. I mean, never in my life; not when her dad left, not when her sister left, or even when I left. But now that her best friend had left, I realized it was the first time I ever saw her cry. There she laid, in a fetal position, holding herself together like any second now she was going to break apart. Her hair was a mess of tangled blond curls as her cheeks were soaked from tears. I had only stepped out for no more than 5 minutes to get her a peppy cola.

That's when I saw the trigger; my laptop. There clear as day, my desktop was of all of us at the beach last summer. Carly, Sam and me: front and center. In the back Gibby was forever pointing at Spencer as he was being buried in the sand by Guppy. T-Bo had done a great job with the photo, it was my favorite.

Sam must've moved the mouse to find the picture waiting for her. I stared in shock because I didn't know what to do. Carly or Spencer always took care of her. I just stood out of the way, but Carly wasn't here now, so I knew I had to do something.

"Sam?" I almost didn't hear myself, but I knew Sam had because her sobs softened a bit. I took a step forward as I left the peppy colas on the dresser. "You okay Sam?"

"DO I LOOK OKAY?!" She shouted. I knew I walked into that response. Of course she wasn't okay, but I didn't know what else to say.

"Sorry, stupid of me." I smiled but she was staring at her phone, taking no notice in my lame attempt at comfort. On the lock screen I could make out an image of her and Carly staring back.

"What else would I expect from you, you're the stupid one." Sam bit back. Her words were harsh, but I knew it was her only defense. She wasn't used to me seeing her so vulnerable, but neither was I. I walked back to the dresser to receive the drinks.

"Here" I handed her the drink which she sipped and placed on the floor by her feet. She was now sitting with her knees into her chest and her chin on her knees as she continued to hug herself. I felt a tug on my stomach as I watched her. "You wanna talk about it?"

"No." she answered flatly. I knew not to push the subject because Sam packed one hell of a left hook. I for one was not cursing for a bruising tonight. We sat there for half an hour sipping our drinks in silence, staring into space. The silence wasn't as awkward as I expected, it was more of a sad silence. I kept thinking about how now Sam had no other friends but me. I was a nerd, so I had some AV friends like Brad, Dean, and Jake. Gibby was there, but he didn't really hang with anyone at school, he just walked around. But Sam, she didn't like people. Carly was her only tie to the social world. I felt bad as I thought about it. Maybe, I thought, Sam was missing Carly so much because she knew she had no one else. That's when I mentally slapped myself, of course Sam knew that. She missed Carly because of way more than that. My thoughts began to race about Sam having friends.

"Freddie." I heard her whisper. I looked up as I pulled myself from my thoughts.

"Yeah?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Wanna make out?" She kept looking at her shoes as my jaw dropped. I had to cover my mouth from shouting yes! I knew she was only asking to humiliate me or to feel contact. Either way, I knew I couldn't say yes, that wouldn't be fair. If Sam was going to make out with me it was going to be because she liked me. I didn't want to be used. But the thought of getting to touch those surprisingly soft lips didn't escape my mind.

"Sam….I" before I had a chance to say I don't think that's a good idea, Sam's head flung up as she tackled me to the ground, capturing my lips in one leap.

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I started this damn sculptor a week ago, it should be finished by now, but I couldn't place what was missing from it, but I knew something was missing. I stared at it for another hour before I gave up and went into the kitchen. The apartment had been so quite since Carly had left a little over two weeks ago. Sam and Freddie didn't come by anymore and even though Gibby did come by a few times, it wasn't the same. I didn't have the motive to go out either. I just sat at home attempting to do something with myself and it wasn't going good.

"BING!" the elevator opened to a very amused Gibby.

"OY! Spence guess what?" Gibby stood there in those horrid pants that almost cost us everything at the Jimmy Fellon show and a regular blue penny tee that said "What Gives?"

"What Gib?" I asked with not much interest. I began to wonder why Gibby kept coming by. No one was ever here and I was so boring now.

"I got some tickets to the circus; wanna come with me and Guppy?" I didn't want to say no because he looked so enthusiastic but I didn't want to actually go either.

"When is it?" Now why I asked I had no idea.

"Tomorrow night. I was gonna invite Sam and Freddie too." He said with a smile that should have made my day, but it didn't.

"Yeah, okay." I realized then that I was looking for an excuse to see the old Fredster and Samminator.

"YEAH BUDDY! GIBBBBEEEEEEYYYYYYY" He threw his hands out in the air. "Where is Sam anyways? I haven't seen her lately and Freddie won't answer my texts."

"They both hadn't come by since she left so I have no idea." I hadn't said Carly's name out loud because I was afraid I was gonna cry any second after the word left my mouth.

"Really? I know Carly's gone but I mean, they were you're friends too." I looked at Gibby oddly because I couldn't figure out how he was so cool about Carly leaving. But then I remembered Gibby wasn't like us. He functioned on a different wave length, that's why Carly liked him so much. He made her laugh like no one else because he was different.

"Maybe they are just attempting to deal with her absence differently. Alone perhaps." I suggested

"Or maybe alone together!" Gibby's mouth opened wide. I ignored he last comment.

"Want some Yahoo Punch?" I offered just to change the subject.

"Sure." Gibby walked to the kitchen. I was so amazed at his calm exterior. I wondered how he was dealing on the inside.

"KNOCK KNOCK!"

"IT'S OPEN!" I yelled at the door.

"Hey Spence, come on. This is a tiny apartment not a train station." Gibby covered his ear as if I had purposely yelled into it.

"Sorry." I looked up to see T-BO. "Hey T-BO. What can I do for you?"

"Oh nothing man, I just wanted to get out of the Bensons' apartment: Marissa is cleaning the kitchen." All three of us shivered a bit. The woman was a nut ball and none of us wanted to deal with that.

"I wonder how Freddie's been able to live with her for so long."

"To be perfectly honest Gibby: he doesn't deal with her." Gibby and I looked up at T-BO with interest. "He's always in his room with his headphones on. Especially since Carly left. Marissa can't get a word to him since she left, he's been ignoring her at top speed, more than usual." I looked down at my punch as T-BO got himself a cup and Gibby offered a circus ticket to T-BO too. I sat on the couch as I thought about what T-BO had said about Freddie. I was a little worried at the way Freddie seemed to be handling the leave. If Freddie was ignoring his mom, what was Sam doing with herself and her new bike.

"Hey T-BO?!"

"Yea?"

"Did you see Sam's bike in the garage when you came up?" I just had to know.

"Yea, as a matter of fact I did. Is she here?" Gibby answered instead of T-BO.

"No she's not." I rolled my eyes. "Maybe she's talking to Freddie."

"No way man, Marissa won't let her into the house without a tick bath." T-BO offered.

"Alright let me go check upstairs, maybe she came up and I didn't hear her. You guys make yourself comfortable. T-BO can you order some pizza I'm hungry." I suddenly didn't want them to leave for reasons unknown even to myself. I walked up the stairs first into the guest room where Sam always liked to sneak in from the window by the fire escape. "Sam?" No answer so I moved onto Carly's room. I opened the door slowly seeing as I hadn't been in the room since she left. "Sam?" I asked without really looking in. "If you're in here Sam, T-BO and Gibby are down stairs and we're ordering some food if you want to join us." I left the room when no one answered back and headed to the studio. Another room I hadn't entered since Carly's departure. I walked in and looked around at the emptiness of the room. It was still and dark, looking like a simple storage room that hadn't been used in years when it had only been weeks. "Sam? You here?" I almost cried as I wished for her to answer me back. "No I didn't think so." I said as I left the room and headed down stairs. It was then I realized how much I wanted her to have been here. She was all I had left of the little family I had, her and Freddie and now they were gone too.

As I got closer to the living room I could hear Gibby and T-BO laughing at Girly Cow. I almost told them to leave so I could cry alone but Gibby's voice made me stop.

"You okay Spencer?"

"Yeah did you find Sam?" T-BO added.

"I'm fine Gibs, and no I didn't find her." I answered as I sat down. "Did you order the pizza?"

"Yeah, it should be up in a few." T-BO handed me a beer, something that I rarely drank, but tonight, I knew would be a long night.

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I needed this. To feel something other than the sadness that filled me making me feel empty. How that was able to occur, I wasn't sure, but I knew I didn't like it. I could feel he wanted to fight it, but I tried hard to make him want it was much I did. I don't think I could handle rejection tonight. However, I wasn't expecting Freddie to overpower me in one scoop. He was suddenly on top of me and he was no longer kissing me. He was panting hard with so much lust in his eyes I couldn't understand how he had the power to stop.

"Sam no!" He said as he sat up and moved away from me. I felt the tears being again and I really wished they'd just go away.

"Why the hell not!?" I demanded. Freddie looked away from me as he tried to compose himself. "You can't tell me you don't want me Benson!" I knew he did and I would use it as much as I could to get what I wanted tonight. Some feeling for crying out loud that wasn't depressing.

"Because Sam! If you think you're feeling like crap now, if we do this, imagine the crap you're going to feel tomorrow morning." I looked at him in confusion, what he was seriously on about escaped me.

"What are you on about?" I huffed clearly annoyed.

"Regret Sam! You don't want to this because you like me, you're doing it for contact and it's not fair for me to take advantage of that or for you to either." It was obvious that Freddie had already given this thought.

"Yeah so?" I didn't know why I had answered like that, but I could see the anger being to rise in him.

"Damnit Sam!" He stood up as he started to pace the floor.

"Freddie? Are you okay? Who's in there with you?" I heard his mom shout. She had no idea I was in here, Freddie snuck me from the fire escape like he always did.

"Go away Mom. I'm fine." He's frustration was strong in his voice.

"But whose voice is that?" Freddie pinched his nose and shut his eyes.

"Mom….GO AWAY!" Freddie shouted. I could hear his mom begin to cry.

"Okay. I love you." She spoke softly into the door as she walked away. Freddie looked so bothered by what he had just done.

"Great. Just what I need." He mumbled.

"Well all you had to do was go with it and this yelling could have been ignored." I threw at him. The next look he gave me almost scared me.

"Just go Sam." I was taken aback because Freddie had never actually kicked me out before. I always left when I knew it was time. This was a first and I honestly didn't want to be alone. "Seriously Sam." He inched on when I didn't move. So I got up and started to walk to the window that led to the fire escape.

"Fine." I said was I jumped out into the dark.

A/N: End of chapter 1. Tell me what you like about it? Let me know what you hate about it? I'm down for what ever you've got to say. Just so everyone knows, I wrote this story while I was listening to Hold On To This by Jocelyn.


	2. School

**Chapter 2: School**

I walked around the first floor looking for Freddie and Sam to invite them to the circus but I couldn't find them anywhere. Which honestly was getting annoying. I couldn't believe that they just abandoned Spencer like that. They just ran away from their friend when he needed them as much as they needed Carly. Poor Spencer I could see the sadness in his eyes whenever Carly was brought up or Sam and Freddie. He missed all of them when he should only be missing Carly. That's why I stopped by so much: I wanted Spence to know I was there for him. I wasn't going to run out on him, Carly wouldn't have so I won't. I looked up from my thoughts as I saw Freddie and Sam at their lockers.

"HEY GUYS!" I rushed to them. I could see they had a rough night. Freddie looked angry at everything and Sam looked like someone had just died.

"What's going on Gibby?" Sam asked. I kinda stared at them for a moment cause normally Freddie is the first to address me.

"Right, um. I was wondering if you guys wanted to go to the circus with me, Guppy, T-BO, and Spencer." At the sound of Spencer's name something rushed in front of Sam's eyes. Some source of emotion that quickly faded.

"When's the circus?" asked Freddie. He seemed uninterested but I was really hoping he'd say yes. I missed hanging with him and Sam.

"Tonight." I beamed. "I tried asking yesterday but I couldn't find or get a hold of either of you. Ask Spence and T-BO we hung out last night and I kept complaining about not getting a hold of you guys." Sam raised an eyebrow as Freddie continued to look unfazed.

"I'll go." Freddie finally answered as he turned to look at Sam whom was now looking at the floor.

"How about you Sam? Wanna come?" I urged for I really wanted her to come.

"Uh, will there be bacon?" I could see her trying to be normal but it was hurting her to.

"Sure." I wasn't sure about the bacon part but I'd say anything to get her to say yes.

"Okay count me in."

"GREAT! We're meeting at the Groovy Smoothie to get in T-BO's van at 6:30. Doors open at 7:30 show starts at 8. I'll hold on to your tickets till then kay." I smiled at them as they both tried to smile back. Sam had more trouble than Freddie. "So I'll see you at lunch." I waved and took off. Those two were in knee deep in their own problems. I couldn't help but wish they'd see that they could help each other out. I hope they'd try to help each other before it's too late.

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I stood outside the building for about half an hour before I finally went in. Last night T-BO told me that the Community College was now giving an Art Degree. I didn't have anything better to do and the sculptor I was working on was going nowhere, so I thought why not? I could teach art, it can't be that hard. I remember I taught those prisoners some art. Sure they used me to escape and sure no one had found them yet, but students can't be that bad right?

"Hello, I was wondering if I could sign up for classes." I asked the lady behind the desk. She looked me up and down before answering me.

"A little late don't you think?" I didn't understand what she meant but before I could answer her she said. "What major?"

"Art."

"Oh well aren't you lucky." I gave her a questioning look. "Any other major and I would have had to tell you that you'd have to wait another semester to join, but Art majors are welcomed to start when they like."

"Great. So when do I get started?" I asked with as much happiness as I could muster up.

"Here fill out all this paper work, and then tomorrow come in at 8 and turn everything in, get a tour of the campus and you'll get your classes at the end. Then Wednesday you can start." I took the pile of papers from the lady and smiled at her.

"Okay see you tomorrow at 8." I walked away to my car with all the papers that I knew I was going to hate by the morning.

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"CARLY SHAY!" Ms. Briggs called out. Sam practically killed her with her eyes.

"She's not here anymore." I answered.

"Oh right. Thank you Mr. Benson." When all else was falling apart without Carly, school sure wasn't. I sat there as Ms. Briggs droned on about the unknown because I honestly wasn't listening to her. Suddenly my pants vibrated indicating either email or a text message. I carefully pulled it out and hid it from view to see a new message from Princess Puckett.

_Do you have to breathe so loud? –S_

I rolled my eyes as I looked towards her to see her pretending to be asleep.

_What do you want? –F_

_I'm not going to the circus. Break the news for me to the Gibster. –S_

_And why not? –F _

_Got better things to do. –S_

_Don't give me that crap. You're going. –F_

_You gonna make me?-S_

_If I have to, yes.-F_

_I'd like to see you try.-S_

At that point I looked up to see Sam staring back at me hard. I knew she meant it.

_I'll give you what you wanted last night if you go.-F_

I saw her eyes open wide as she looked from her phone to me and back again a few times.

_I don't believe you.-S_

_Try me. ;) –F_

The bell rang at the last message and I got up and left without a back glance, but I knew she was staring at me. I could feel her eyes burning holes in the back of my head. I knew that I had said something I couldn't do. I wasn't going to give Sam anything until I felt right about it. I still didn't feel right about it, so she was going to have to suck it up. I took all her physical hits for years, it was time she took one of my mental hits.

A couple of boring class periods later without seeing Sam, I walked into the lunch room to see Brad and Jake already sitting down so I joined them.

"Hey guys." I said as I pulled out my lunch bag.

"YO." They said at the same time. I looked around as a third YO was heard. It was Dean joining the table with Gibby. This was the first time Gibby was eating with us, in well ever.

"Hey Gibby." I said a bit curious as to why he choose to sit with us.

"Hey Freddie. Is it cool if I sit here?" all of us nodded our heads. Then the seat next to me became occupied with a very tensed Sam.

"Freddie."

"Sam." I answered back. I could see all the guys, including Gibby could tell something was up.

"Nerds. Gibby." Sam addressed.

"Hello Sam." They all said in union. I closed my eyes knowing that their hello was going to be a full on joke later on about my nerd friends.

"YO SAM!" Gibby waved as he offered a fruit cup to Dean.

"What do you want Sam?" I asked as I took a bite into my sandwich. She took a chip from my bag that she soon flicked at some freshman. "Do you have to waste my food on the innocent?" I added.

"Yes I do have to waste your food because it's fun." She piped. She sounded different then the last time we talked so I turned to look at her for the first time since she sat. That's when I saw it. Her eyes, they were glossy.

"What's with your eyes?" I asked. She smiled real goofy.

"What's with your eyes? Or Gibby's?" She laughed as she grabbed some chips and began eating them at an incredible rate.

"I think she's high man." Jake whispered to me.

"What?!" I almost shouted.

"Well yea man, I saw her with Audrey and Ray today. Everyone knows they deal." Jake continued. I stared at him like he was full of shit, but then Sam did something that proved him right.

"Hey Freddie, why are you glowing?" I turned to look at her.

"I'm not glowing Sam."

"Yes you are! I can see it. You're glow stick!" She started laughing so hard I thought she was going to fall off her chair.

"Sam stop it!"

"You can't just stop being high man." Dean offered.

"SHUT IT DEAN!" I snapped. "She's not high." I defended.

"Oh but I am!" Sam giggled. My eyes opened wide as I grabbed her arm.

"Come on Sam!" I pulled her from the table as she laughed her life away.

"HEY YOU'RE STILL COMING TONIGHT RIGHT!?" Gibby shouted after us.

"NO!" I yelled back. I turned to see Gibby's face fall. It pained me to see him so hurt but I was angry. I dragged Sam's body to my mustang. "GET IN!" I threw her in the passenger seat and she went on laughing like she knew some big joke that I was not in on. I went to the driver's side when I heard.

"YO Benson!" I looked up to see Audrey had been the one to yell my name and Ray was following her right behind. Just what I need. Sam stopped laughing at the sound of her voice.

"AUDREY! Rayyyyy! Hey guys!" She said. Ray smirked at her. I just about had to restrain myself from beating the smirk right off his face.

"Hey Sam." Ray purred at her. She giggled and blushed. I just wanted to vomit.

"What do you guys want?" I asked fully annoyed with the direction this conversation was going. I didn't even want to be having this conversation.

"We want to take good old Puckett off your hands." Audrey always used last names.

"No. I got it." I said as I started to get in the car. Sam was practically falling out the window as Ray flirted with her. "Knock it off Ray and get out of the way." I snapped as I pulled Sam back into her seat.

"Geeze Fredds calm the tits man. I was only being nice." Ray chimed as Sam sighed into his bull.

"Back off." I saw Ray's face go from patient to annoyed.

"Look Freddie, I ain't got no beef with you. So let's keep it that way shall we?" Sam looked a little worried and Audrey was beyond amused.

"How about you fuck off." I don't know why I said that. I guess I was just so pissed that it was him and Audrey that had given her whatever it was that she was on.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me Ray." I pinched my nose as I felt a migraine coming on.

"How about you step out of your car and we settle this as men?"

"That's gonna be hard Ray, seeing as I hardly see you as a man." At that point I knew I was gonna end up in trouble if I kept up my smart talking.

"Why you son of a bitch." That comment got me a bit more upset than it should have. Without thinking clearly I got out of my car and walked over to Ray. I heard Audrey say "This is gonna be good.", as Sam said "Freddy don't." Before I could stop myself I threw a right hook and I threw it hard. How do I know I did, well Ray went straight to the ground with a busted lip. Audrey had stopped smiling and Sam looked like she was going to start crying.

"FUCK OFF RAY!" I shouted.

"FREDDIE!" I looked up to see Gibby walking our way. "What's going on? Oh hey Audrey."

"Um hi." Audrey walked to Ray and helped him up. "I told you man, nerds can pack a punch too." Ray pulled away from her and grabbed his lip.

"This isn't over Freddie. You mark my words, I'll hurt you in a way you won't see coming for miles."

"That's what she said." Gibby joked. Audrey smirked and Sam gave a chuckle, obviously she was still gone in the sky. I looked at Gibby who was waving at Audrey and Ray's back as they took off.

"Thanks Gibby." I said.

"No problem Freddie. I see you've been practicing what I've showed you huh?"

"Yeah. Hey look I'm going to take Sam home kay. If we make it, we make, if not, don't wait up." I said as I got back in the car.

"Yeah okay." I waved at him as I got in the car and drove off to Sam's. I got her inside as she was coming off whatever she was on. She was slowly falling asleep. I looked around the house for her mom but only found a note on the fridge that said, "_Off and about. You know where the money is and the food. Don't die I'll be back when I'm back. Don't wait up.-Mom" _I chuckled at the fact that Sam's mom really wasn't a Mom at all. But who was I to judge right? My mom was a nut. I finally got Sam to her room where I took off her shoes and tucked her in. I could see her bike outside the window locked to her tree. Her room was a mess so while I waited for Sam to wake up to explain what had happened to her at school I cleaned around her house out of boredom, nothing more. At least that's what I was telling myself.


	3. Sam's New Friends

**Chapter 3: Sam's New Friends**

I awoke with a massive headache. If I planned on continuing this habit I was going to have to get used to this feeling after waking up. I looked around a very clean room and I began racking my brain trying to figure out if I had cleaned my room while I was high. I suddenly heard "OH CRAP!" from the kitchen as a pan fell and a hiss was heard. So Freddie was cleaning and he just found Mr. Boots, my mom's cat. I walked out of my room to see that Freddie had already cleaned most of the house.

"Shit Freddie, how long have I been out?" I asked to the kitchen. I was sure he heard me because there was no other sounds in the house but his cleaning. "Hey Mr. Boots. Did the nerd scare you?" I petted the cat as I walked to the kitchen. "You gonna answer me or what nerd?" I entered to see Freddie washing the dishes. It was the last thing to do because everything else was speck and spam. My mom was going to freak out when she got home. Well that's if she got home while the place was still clean.

"Um yeah, sorry. You've been out for about 3 hours." He answered without turning to look at me.

"So what time is it?"

"We left the school at about 1:30, so it's about 4:30, give or take a few. School should be out by now though. And don't worry I called Principle Franklin to let him know we left on some "iCarly" business. He knew I was lying but he said it was still okay." I waited a bit longer for him to start asking questions cause I knew he would as I got a drink from the fridge. My eyes almost fell out of my head and I saw he had gone to buy groceries too. That's when I noticed he was cooking something on the stove and in the oven.

"Shit Freddie, when did you become Martha Fucking Stewart?"

"So now you're back to cussing huh?" I knew what he meant. Now with Carly gone, I was cussing a lot more openly.

"What you cooking?" I ignored the question because I knew it wasn't the most important one he wanted to ask.

"Baked chicken in the oven and on the stovetop I've got some potatoes boiling to make you some potato salad." I was surprised he was cooking for me. I mean, I always knew he could cook, for his mom was always dragging him to those son and mother cooking classes. But the first and last time he cooked for me was when we were still dating.

"What's the occasion?"

"I'm persuading you to clean up your act before it gets any worse." He snapped.

"Whatcha ya gotta be so rude for?" I snapped back. He finished the dishes and turned to look at me. As he dried his hands I saw him flitch so I looked at his knuckles.

"Holy chiz! What did you do?" There on his right hand, his knuckles were busted open.

"So you don't remember?" confusion took over my face as I stared at him. "I don't expect you to remember. I bet you don't even know how you got home let alone how you got to lunch." And he was right it was a bit fuzzy. I know all of this had to do with Audrey, Ray, and I think Gibby. "I punched Ray." He injected into my thoughts. Then it all hit me. Everything I couldn't remember at first.

"Oh right." I looked down at my bare feet as I started to make my toes fight. It was my mechanism for when I knew the conversation was going to get uncomfortable.

"Are you going to make this a habit Sam?" I knew what he was talking about but I didn't want to answer me him. "What were you on anyways?"

"Some pills Ray gave to me." I mumbled.

"PILLS!" He was suddenly in my face as he grabbed my shoulders and made me look at him. "Out of all the things for you to start doing you go for pills!" I could see he was angry and he had every right to be. Pills weren't our best friends.

"It was all they had. I just wanted some weed." I defended myself. Now I knew if I had been smoking Freddie wouldn't have been yelling so much. Carly, he, and I had smoked a few times before. We could never get Gibby to try it, but T-BO had the best stuff. I knew I should of gone to him.

"Sam why?" He let go of me as he went to turn off the stove and he began on the salad. "Please Sam, tell me what happened." So I did.

~Flashback~

I was beyond confused as to if Freddie was being serious or not. I wanted to believe he was, but how could he. He didn't even know what I wanted. Maybe he was going to give me anything I asked for. I mean all I had to do was go sit for an hour or two and watch a performance. I could do that right? Well I would do it if Freddie promised to help me out of this emptiness I couldn't get to go away. Then it hit me. All Freddie had to do was say he'd smoke with me more often. Yeah that would work. But none of that cheap shit Ray gave, nah, the stuff T-BO had. He had the good stuff. I quickly checked my bag for some cash. I could go after school to T-BO's. Hell I could ask him before we left for the circus; of course I'd have to actually smoke it when we got back or else Spencer and Gibby would kill me. I didn't understand why Gibby wouldn't try it and I was so surprised that Spencer didn't. Maybe he really was just normally weird.

"Hello Sam." I heard Ray send my way as I stood by my locker.

"Hey." I simply answered back. I had no problem with Ray or Audrey, but they weren't the safest people to be around. They were always dealing and when the heat came to them, they always somehow got out of it by framing someone else.

"What are you doing there kid?" Audrey had a right in calling me a kid. She was a senior while Ray and I were juniors. But that's not why she could call me kid, she was repeating the 12th grade for the third time. I don't know how she loved school so much that she continued to repeat it. I mean I hated school, that's why I kept my B average much to everyone's belief of me being a F student.

"Lookin' for some cash is all." I kept going through my bag and couldn't find a cent. Then I remembered I had spent it all on fatcakes the night before. "You've got to be fucking me." I mumbled. I didn't think they heard me, but I'm assuming they did because Ray handed me a 10.

"You look like you could use this." I almost took it from his hand, but I remembered how Carly always called it dirty money and I wasn't about that life anymore.

"No thanks, I'm no charity case." I snapped. I should have been more polite about the situation, but now that I had the idea about smoking in my head the more I wanted to just have some and it was making me uneasy.

"Whoa, Sam, of course you're not a charity case. I was just trying to help a lady out." No surprise that Ray was after me, he had been since we were Freshman. He still thought I was that bad girl I used to be, but I wasn't.

"I'm fine."

"What ya need the money for anyways? Lunch?"

"Does it matter Audrey?" I wanted them out of my business, but they kept at it.

"Well a bit, yeah. You look like you're desperate."

"If I was desperate, wouldn't I have just taken Ray's 10?" Ray smirked knowing I was right.

"Well unlike Ray, I understand that you aren't the kid you used to be. You think about your choices now, which is a pity. You used to be one hell of a destruction Puckett." I sneered at her because I knew she was right. I learned most of my bad habits from Audrey.

"Whateves, move I've got class." I moved passed them and as I walked away I heard Audrey say.

"If you've got the time we've got something to help the edge off. I know that's what you're after." I stopped dead in my tracks.

"Well as you saw I don't have any cash." I called over my shoulder. I turned to see Audrey look around the hall which was in fact empty seeing as third period had already started about 10 minutes ago.

"Follow me down the rabbit hole if you want." And with that they both walked towards the exit and without thinking about the choice this time, I followed them. We walked to Ray's van and sat in the back. Audrey was in the front messing with the glove department.

"You ready for this Sam?" Ray touched my knee which I instantly moved away. I wouldn't tell anyone this, not even Carly, but the time Freddie and I were together, Ray was the cause of most of our little arguments. Freddie hated his guts for always trying stuff with me.

"I don't even know what "this" is." Which was true, neither one of them bothered to tell me what they were going to give me for free. Or at least I thought it was free. "Besides I already told you I don't have any money."

"Oh don't you worry about that, first time's always free Puckett." I gulped as I began to think about how much this was a bad idea. I mean I didn't have any money on me. What if they asked for something else. Something that I didn't have or that I didn't want to give. "Found them." I jerked by to reality as Ray smiled. She tossed a bag of multi-colored pills his way and, that's when I lost it.

"NO NO NO! I'M NOT TAKING ANY OF THOSE." I started to collect myself to head out, but Audrey grabbed my arm.

"Chill out kid, they won't kill you."

"Unless you take the whole bag at once that is." Ray joked. I had a history with pills: they had taken too much away already.

"NO FUCKING WAY. Let me go Audrey. I don't have time for this." I tried to pull away but the only way out was if I hit her so I went for it. Ray had other ideas.

"My van, my rules. No fighting Sam. Trust me you'll be okay." But the thing was I didn't trust him.

"Come on Puckett, we can see you're in pain. Your only true friend just up and left you in the dark with a nerd. This will help you. Try one and if you like it I'll give you 10 for free after that its 5 a pop got it." I really wanted the pain to go away, but at what cost. I thought about my options. What if Freddie said he wouldn't smoke with me? I wasn't old enough for alcohol. This was my ticket to try something that could help. Carly would have killed me if she was here. But she wasn't here. She ran off with her dad. I know that sounded selfish of me, and yeah we all told her to go, but she was suppose to say no. She was suppose to stay and keep me from doing this stupid stuff. And Freddie, he had friends, I had no one and we all knew that.

"Fine." I took a blue pill from Ray, or at least I tried.

"Nah uh. Here left me help." He took the tiny pill and placed it on this finger tip. "Open up Sam." I opened my mouth a bit as he put his finger in my mouth. I closed my lips and pulled back. As soon as the pill hit my tongue it began to dissolve. The feeling on my tongue at that spot was numb for a while and I soon began to feel different. I couldn't explain what was going on, just that it felt amazing. The pain was gone, the emptiness was gone, it was all gone and I was soon forgetting the pain and fights in my head. Soon after I relaxed into the van I saw Audrey and Ray take their own pill. Ray then placed a little baggie with more than 10 pills in my bag when Audrey turned around. He then put this index finger in front of his mouth and said "Shhhhhh." If Audrey knew he'd put more in the bag I'm sure she would kill him, so I kept my mouth shut. Suddenly I had energy to do anything in the world so I did. Without saying a word I grabbed my bag and went out of the van. I ran around in the kids playground for a pit, well at least it felt for a bit. However, I headed in cause I became hungry and I could see Freddie walking to the lunch room meaning I had played for longer than it felt like.

I opened the cafeteria doors and searched for Freddie and his gang of nerds. I found them in no time as the light from the windows guided me to the empty chair by Freddie.

"Freddie." I felt all tensed for everything was weird cause I thought was on fire.

"Sam." He seemed bored. Maybe he was bored with his friends already.

"Nerds. Gibby." I felt like it would be nice of me to say hi.

"Hello Sam." I jumped at the union of answer. It scared me a bit because they started to look like robots to me.

"YO SAM!" Gibby yelled which also scared me a little bit.

"What do you want Sam?" Freddie asked but his chips suddenly looked interesting so I grabbed a few and began to throw them at the table of kids next to us. "Do you have to waste my food on the innocent?" Before I could stop myself I answered in the most goofy voice I could muster up.

"Yes I do have to waste your food, because it's fun." At this point Freddie turned to look at me and I only looked back because he went from fire to the sun.

"What's with your eyes?" I was taken a back at his question because my eyes felt fine but his looked like they were on fire and Gibby's looked like robot red eyes which was really being to freak me out.

"What's with your eyes? Or Gibby's?" I began to laugh because my voice sounded so funny in my ears. Then I sudden became hungry like I hadn't eaten in years, so I attacked Freddie's chips.

"I think she's high." I heard the first nerd chime. What did he know!?

"What?!" Freddie almost shouted. If he kept shouting he was going to freak me out too no doubt.

"Well yea man, I saw her with Audrey and Ray today. Everyone knows they deal." The same nerd spoke and a part of me panicked because no one was suppose to have see that. So I did the best thing I could think of to take the heat off me.

"Hey Freddie, why are you glowing?" OH glowing that's the word I was looking for to explain his sudden sun fire skin. HA glowing.

"I'm not glowing Sam."

"Yes you are! I can see it. You're a glow stick." And I broke out into the laughter.

"Sam stop it!" He shouted at me, but I couldn't help but keep laughing.

"You can't just stop being high man." The second nerd entered the conversation, but I was unfazed by his robot exterior because I was laughing so much.

"SHIT IT DEAN! She's not high."

"Oh but I am." I giggled and Freddie suddenly grabbed my arm and started to take me from the table. I guess that last part wasn't just said in my head.

"Come on Sam." We headed out the cafeteria but I was still laughing at how he was somehow still glowing.

"HEY YOU'RE STILL COMING TONIGHT RIGHT!?" I heard Gibby shout after us followed by a "NO!" from Freddie. Poor Gibby, how mean of Freddie to cancel before me.

"Get in!" I then realized we were at Freddie's car. Ha a mustang his mom bought him. I wasn't gonna lie for a 2005 it was nice. I sat down and looked out the window and I saw them. The aliens! They were walking towards us at top speed. They were probably coming to eat Freddie's brains. Before I had a chance to tell Freddie to run one yelled at us.

"YO BENSON!" Oh no, they aren't aliens. It's just Audrey and Ray.

"AUDREY! Rayyyyy!" I called after them. "Hey guys!" Ray smirked at me and for some reason my body got all tingling. Well that was a new feeling.

"Hey Sam." Ray purred at me which just made my heart melt, and the tingling came back. "How are you feeling sweetie?" He touched my face living a trail of fire. It felt so amazing.

"I'm so happy right now." I answered as I touched his hand. He smiled at me as he entwined our hands.

"Good to hear. Say lets ditch the nerd and go back to my van for some fun." I was so tempted as I tried to get out of the window to hug him. I wanted to see if my whole body would set fire from his hug. But then I felt someone grab my shirt and pull me back in as Freddie yelled..

"Knock it off Ray, and get out of the way." Ray stood up and back from the car.

"Geeze Fredds, calm the tits man. I was only being nice." I sighed as he winked at me. I just wanted to feel the fire again.

"Back off." The fire came back alright, but it was in Freddie's voice. Oh no what if he set the car on fire!

"Look Freddie, I ain't got no beef with you. So let's keep it that way shall we." I could see Freddie was also starting to glow brighter. He was going to cook us alive in the car if he didn't knock it off.

"How about you fuck off." Oh no what if Ray get's all mad that Freddie's trying to set us on fire.

"Excuse me?" Yeah he's mad.

"You heard me Ray." I wonder how much a gold fish would cost right at this moment. Maybe Freddie can take me to go buy one today after the circus. Wait were we even going anymore?

"How about you step out of your car and we settle this like men." I looked up from my lap and out the window and soon saw someone walking towards us. Carly?

"That's gonna be hard Ray, seeing as I hardly see you as a man." Oh wait no, that person's too big to be Carly. Is that Gibby?

"Why you son of a bitch." Freddie got off the car and the heat he was letting out went away. Then I realized what Freddie was going to do. He promised me once that if Ray got in his face ever again and I was involved he was going to punch him right in the face.

"Freddie don't." I mumbled. I don't think he heard me because he did. He punched Ray right in the face knocking him down to the ground.

"FUCK OFF RAY!" The fire was there in Freddie. I could feel it again and I'm sure so could Ray.

"FREDDIE!" Yup it was Gibby. Where did he come from? "What's going on? Oh hey Audrey." I laughed a little because Gibby was literally the only one in this school that wasn't scared of her.

"Um, hi." Audrey was intimidated by that fact. She picked up Ray and the fire began to fade from Freddie. "I told you man, nerds can pack a punch too." Ray pushed her off as he stared straight at Freddie. It was Ray now that had fire coming off him in waves, but he wasn't glowing. No, in fact he was getting darker.

"This isn't over Freddie. You mark my words, I'll hurt you in a way you won't see coming for miles."

"That's what she said." At the moment Gibby finished that sentence his nosed did this flare thing that made me chuckle. Suddenly Audrey and Ray left as did the fire. Gibby and Freddie started talking. I was hoping that Freddie was going to tell Gibby we were going to the circus and that we were gonna buy a new gold fish. I'd take great care of that gold fish and I'd name him Champ. Because he was going to be a champ and he was never going to leave me. That's when the empty feeling started to come back. Suddenly I was being laid down in my bed. Before I knew how I got there I awoke with a headache.

"So Sam." I looked up at Freddie from my plate of food that I had barely touched. I had told him the whole story over an early dinner. "Where are they?" I looked at him confused as to what he was talking about.

"Where's what?" I asked seeing as never explained what he was asking.

"The pills, Sam. Where are they?" My eyes opened wide as we both made a run for my back pack. But when we got to my room they weren't there. My backpack had been spilled all over my bed and the pills were gone.

"What did you do Freddie!" He had to have gotten rid of them I knew it.

"Me! YOU! I was with you the whole time, you were alone by yourself for hours as I cleaned." He was going through all my stuff again to make sure they still weren't there.

"I was a sleep!" I started to shuffle around to find them but couldn't.

"Well they're gone. That's good." He answered back as he put everything he moved back in order.

"What do you mean that's good! I need those!"

"NO you don't! You said it yourself the emptiness came back!" He was right it did. But I knew if I took enough of those pills I'd become numb and then the pain would be gone forever.


End file.
